Vanity plates:

BUCKL UP (green CRV)
REDO 66 (black Continental)
DRY WITZ (grey Mazda)

First thought in my head when the alarm went off this morning: we do have a bottle-opener. And I told that cute girl from two doors down last night that we didn't when she knocked on our door and asked if we had one that she could borrow. Do I feel stupid or what?

As Brian Says becomes a global socio-cultural phenomenon, sweeping the world like some crazy world-sweeping thing, people the length and longth of every land and nation are asking themselves “Who is this pale skinny Irishman? Is it possible that a mere mortal can be so beautiful --- or is one of the gods walking among us? And what’s with the hair?” We sent one of our reporters along to find out what makes the great man tick. Here, for the first time anywhere, is the completely official, fully authorised and wholy unexpurgated A-Z of Brian McCloskey…

Ambition?
To go through life without buying salt
Best feature?
It’s the hair
Choose a pencil
2B
Does it hurt when I do this?
Slightly
Ever seen a ghost?
No, but ghosts have seen me
Favourite gait?
Purposeful strides
Give me an example of litotes
Falling down that flight of stairs hasn’t done me any good
How do you get six elephants out of the theatre?
You can’t: it’s in their blood
If you could repeal one law, what would it be?
The law of gravity
Jam?
Raspberry
Keep talking
All the best words have already been said
Least favourite sexiest man in the world?
Hmmm....
Middle name
None
Notice anything different about me?
No
Outlook?
Promising
Place a classified ad
Bad musicians wanted by same for jamming in Venice area
Qu’y-a-t’il pour votre service?
Je voudrais un carnet de timbres, s’il vous plait
Read any good books lately?
Funny you should ask....
School motto?
Quaerite primum regnum Dei
Tell us something about yourself
Okay
Useless, aren’t you?
Utterly
Vision?
My eyes are binocular
Why go out for milk when you have a cow at home?
Why indeed?
X-rays?
There’s one of my chest in a sports bag in the closet
You’re granted one super power: what would you choose?
The ability to make really good analogies
Zombie pirates?
That would be telling....

As if I don't know what an ATM card looks like.

I bought the wrong shampoo. I'm a turd. I got Volumising Shampoo for Fine Hair, instead of Balancing Shampoo for Normal Hair. I got the one with the blue "5x" on the bottle, instead of the one with the magenta "5x" on the bottle. That whole trip to SavOn was a nightmare: the wrong shampoo, no bottles of Diet Coke for Mrs. McCloskey, that cashier trying to tell me that my ATM card wasn't an ATM card. This is what happens when I venture into unfamiliar stores. We should have gone to our regular store. But we were both upset, what with LK and everything. We just wanted to get home.

5:40-6:10pm: had a nap.

The important thing is, I managed to avoid being served by the scary guy.

Long line at the post office. How festive is that?

Tom Waits, yes. But Tom Petty? I don't think so.

Like I'd ever ask Tom Petty for advice on writing a song.

Celebrity dream: standing in a parking lot with Tom Petty and Tom Waits --- I'm thinking of asking them for advice on songwriting.

Google search result: "saxone shoes"

Survey
(send your responses to the usual address)
1. Buckets or spades?
2. Grey or gray?
3. Hosiery or lingerie?
4. Jam or marmalade?
5. Knees or elbows?
6. Liver or chopped liver?
7. Pigtails or ponytail?
8. Quality or quantity?
9. Up or down?
10. Your place or mine?

4:05-4:30pm: had a nap.

That's the end of the floss, then.

And there’s another thing: my watch can’t keep the correct date. The date changes at midday instead of midnight. It’s not as if I ask it to do much. It only has to perform two tasks --- tell the time and tell the date. No complaints about the accuracy of its timekeeping, its persistent refusal to commence a new day at the same time as the rest of us is irksome. Is it too much to ask that it begin each new day at midnight, rather than midday? Apparently it is.

The left knee.

Walked into coffee table last night, bruise on knee this morning.

I only ate the Hershey bars, so all the other stuff will be snacks for this evening. Nice.

3:30-4:15pm: had a nap.

My good deed for the day:
- got a copy of the #2 bus map from the rack for the lady in the wheelchair when I got off the #1 at Colorado.

My stupid deed for the day:
- forgot to put camera in bag. And a straw.

This made me happy:
- Twist And Shout blasting from the stereo when I walked past Johnny Rockets.

This weirded me out:
- girl who looked just like Mrs. McCloskey in her high school photos, talking on a cellphone on the Promenade.

Strangest overheard conversation fragment:
- "My wife's, you know, hairy...."

Strangest thing carried by anybody I saw in town:
- large Tweety Bird, wearing a Robin Hood costume.

Coincidence of the day:
- That woman that I saw on the bus a couple of weeks ago got off the bus that I got on this afternoon.

And hungry.

I'm cold.

One small bag of Doritos, two Hershey bars, two packets of Gummi Worms: that should be enough for the cinema tomorrow, right?

And the parking lot across the street from the ironing board is full of production trucks. Two days in a row they've been there. That could explain the strange smell. You know what those showbusiness people are like....

On the sidewalk, North Venice: ironing board, erected.

6:00-6:25pm: had a nap.

And they left the lights on. On their pickup.

In the street: two men get out of a Ford pickup and examine the fence around that house on the other side of Mildred. They prod it, stand on tiptoe to look over it, pace up and down the length of it - then walk off around the corner.

In a front garden on Venice Way: a CD - James Taylor's Greatest Hits

Celebrity dream: I'm in an episode of the Simpsons. Homer wants to punish Bart by making him fold a pile of cardboard boxes in a shop; then Homer decides it sounds like fun and wants to try it himself

There is a very strange, very strong odour in the street outside. The whole street smells like an old man's sweat. A very old, very sweaty man.

I hope it's not somebody's dinner.

Google search result: "vanity plate + violin"

2:20-4:00pm: had a nap.

Note which fell out of my Finnish phrasebook:

"From the Irish Gaelic cair meaning dark, dusky. A protecting and caring nature with the ability to adapt to any situation. A modern idealist with an engaging charm. A golden thread in the world's [unclear: possibly history]."

Your guess is as good as mine.

Useful Finnish phrases:

Can this be invisibly mended? Voitteko korjata tämän niin ettei se näy?
Is it a good place for snorkelling? Voiko siellä harrastaa sukellustra?
I've broken this denture. Olen rikkonut tämän hammas proteesin.
May I please have the menu? Siasinko ruoka-listan?
The knob won't turn. Nuppi ei käänny.

Mrs. McCloskey is laughing at something she just thought of. Sometimes she really cracks herself up.

I'm still finding peas on the floor.

Then again, it isn't bleeding. So I guess it isn't all that much like a stigmata.

It looks like a splinter wound. And it feels like a splinter wound. All the external signifiers of a splinter, but without an actual splinter. Like a strange mini-stigmata on my right thumb.

No doubt the government is behind it.

Celebrity dream: jamming with George Harrison. Only I can't get my guitar in tune. I'm telling you, I need one of these.

And he said we didn't look alike. Told you so.

What Mrs. McCloskey said in her sleep last night:

"There's one of them that's really long. Look at that: it goes all the way down to the bottom. You should trim that. Anybody could just climb up here."

My thumb hurts. Is that a splinter? Where would I get a splinter? I'm too old to be getting splinters.